Mondes-Perdus.Malade-Palpitant

Putain de bulle à toi aussi...

Mercredi 30 novembre 2011 à 1:06

J'suis content. J'ai échappé à une douleur sur le long feu. J'ai failli faire de la chute d'amour d'affection. Ce truc qui vient parce que t'as trouvé quelqu'un sensible, comme si tu avais pu voir, presque toucher, son âme. J'ai vu, j'ai senti. Pas touché. Pas osé. Avant ce moment-là, c'était ami-amie, sans problème, et j'aimais ça. Après, c'était doute et incertitude. Est-ce que, moi, je ressens un truc plus fort ? Est-ce que elle, qui ne m'intéressait pas, pourrait devenir un but amoureux ? Et sont-ce seulement des impressions, ou bien elle serait un peu intéressée par moi ? Enfin bref, ces bêtises qu'on a dans la tête, ces films qu'on se fait à cause de ci et ça, qu'on interprète alors que ce sont des gestes de d'habitude. La différence tient à ce qu'on recherche quelque chose qui avérerait l'intention. Et on remarque. Alors que c'était déjà là.

Et voilà qu'elle me parle. D'amour. Mais pour elle. Pour un autre sens unique, une autre chute d'amour d'affection. La même chose que moi, en somme, mais pour quelqu'un d'autre. C'est dur à entendre, mais ça permet de ne pas souffrir dans la durée. Au moins j'peux me faire un "STOP" clignotant, qui me donne le recul suffisant pour voir que ce n'était qu'à cause de ce moment de découverte que tout a commencé. Et que rien n'a commencé, au final. Et tant mieux. Je ne veux pas perdre quelqu'un comme elle pour quelques sentiments mal placés. Alors j'suis content.

J'suis triste. Je ne pense pas répondre sur Yoka. Yoka, comme moka. Comme ce mot rassurant qui est doux dans la gorge et réchauffe la bouche en le prononçant. Pas répondre parce que je n'y arrive pas. C'est égoïste, mais je crois que si je le fais, je vais entrer dans cette douleur. Et putain con que je suis, je reste seul devant la rive, te regardant te noyer. Mais putain, quel con ! Bouge-toi mec ! Fais un truc. Même sourire. Même bouger le bras.

Je le redis : "Je te tue. Voilà, fini, t'es heureuse là ? Bah si oui, pas de bol, c'qu'un rêve, même pas entier, juste un éclat." Envie de mourir ? Mais flûte... Alors qu'il y a autre chose de plus beau dans la vie. Regarde par la fenêtre. Regarde dehors. Sors. Prend la main à un vieux, raconte-lui ton histoire et demande-lui la sienne. Pareil avec un gosse. Traverse un fleuve. Rejoins la mer. Prend la diagonale. Mais crever ? L'envie de ? De te priver le droit de mener ta vie comme tu le souhaites. Ça va sans doute passer comme un "biiip" sonore, sans vraiment être compréhensible, mais reste pas dominée par un seul homme. Si mon premier grand amour sens-unique m'a fait du mal, il m'a appris à m'en sortir et de voir le monde différemment. C'con. J'sais. Mais j'veux pas entrer dans ce cercle, et j'veux pas qu't'y reste. J'suis triste.

J'suis en retard. Pour le Silence Bleu, pour le Silence de l'Art. Ouais. Faut p'têt aussi que je te réponde. Mais je prends même plus la peine d'écrire pour moi... J'en profite d'ailleurs du moment pour vous répondre. C'est lâche. Mais devant de pareils textes, j'ai juste envie de rajouter des trucs. De comprendre. Comprendre pourquoi dans la barque il y a cette personne qui se laisse tétaniser par le froid. Ou bien elle s'est défendue ? Je ne sais pas. Mais elle ne se défend plus. Rame, rame. De la noyade sans bouée à la barque, c'est un bon changement. Rame, rame. Revient sur la rive. Ne reste pas là. Ne t'enfuis pas, mais découvre l'ailleurs. Ici il fait froid. Alors va dans le chaud. La chaleur ravive la vie.

Et oui, tu vois, c'est tout aussi con que le reste, mon message pour toi. Le message pour un Silence. Mais il est là. Offert aux yeux. Si yeux il y a encore. Si yeux peuvent profiter de ces conneries, et de celles plus haut aussi, si besoin. C'est bête, j'ai l'impression que nous sommes beaucoup dans un même cas à différentes variables. Et on reste devant ce cas, ce K, les yeux à demi-ouverts, ou à demi-fermés. Et on est en retard. J'suis en retard.

Malade Palpitant

Divulgé par Aimepe

Par eclat-de-reves le Mercredi 30 novembre 2011 à 1:42
Si j'avais su..
Je reste mi sourire mi béante. Honteuse un peu aussi. Surprise, beaucoup. Mais sans souci: Les envies de mourir, c'est comme un tee shirt que j'enfile le matin et que je retire le soir. çà ne reste que quelques heures et puis çà repart.
Ne sois pas triste. Ne sois pas en retard non plus.
Un mail peut être? Flûte. Mi sourire mi béante.
Par eclat-de-reves le Mercredi 30 novembre 2011 à 2:21
PS car l'insomnie me tient : j'aimerais moi aussi avoir ce stop clignotant que tu as eu parce qu'Elle t'a parlé d'un autre amour à sens unique. Quoique deux sens uniques, si on en inverse un, çà fait pas le bonheur des deux? Stop peut être mais pourquoi ne pas être celui qui la fera changer de direction?
Incorrigible romantique optimiste, je devrais plutôt te dire de continuer à sauver tes plumes. Mais.. il suffit d'un rien pour faire pencher la balance alors pourquoi ce serait non?
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